insomnia sucks

it really does :( my lack of, or rather inability, to sleep detriments my life in every way, siiiiigh. it's only 1 am, so probably in a couple of hours i'll be able to sleep.. until then i guess i'll just.. mope around and try not to do anything mind stimulating so i can go to sleep easier. wait but writing is mind stimulating.. oh whatever :(

anyhow... i earnestly, seriously, desperately wish there was a magical pill i could just take that would erase insomnia from my life forever and i would never have to worry about falling asleep during class. how wonderful would that be :( sleeping pills don't work well for me since i'm under 18.. sucks. how did i even develop insomnia? i don't even know... oh probably when i was struggling through some hardships last year and couldn't sleep at all because anxiety and pain completely consumed my mind.

i hate insomnia, not only because i can't focus right in school and all, but because i hate what it's doing to my body.. to a body that's supposed to serve and love and worship. i hate that it's hurting my body by not giving it the necessary rest it needs to function. i know this will sound extremely low of me but sometimes i can't help but attribute my occasional laziness to love and serve others to insomnia. it's like a scapegoat really, for my inexcusable actions and torpidity.. i convince myself that my insomnia is not something i have control over, it's just the way i am, therefore the effects it produces (aka my laziness with serving, etc) are not my fault. same with say, getting a disappointing grade on a test. so because i blame almost all unfortunate circumstances on my insomnia, i just realized it is the same thing as blaming God because if i claim that insomnia is something i have no control over, it is under the control of God so God is responsible, thus in the end, i am just blaming God for my laziness, for my lethargy in terms of serving and loving and living the way i should.

and this makes me wonder... if i'm using insomnia as a scapegoat, as a 'cover-up,' what is the real reason i am so lazy/unwilling to do what i need to do? to serve and love God and others? i feel slightly afraid to probe for the answer... i'm afraid of what i'll find. sigh this is frustrating.. not being able to sleep is frustrating. but hopefully tomorrow (or rather today) in school i'll focus better :)
God, please let me go to sleep before 3 today