so stressed and frustrated i want to just run away from home. my life seems so meaningless, every new day is filled with just studying, art competitions, viola, volunteer, ensembles, hagwon, ugh... so much that needs to get done, so much pressure to win this competition and that competition and get into this program and that program and .. my life is pretty much screwed. i'm always so tired, getting nosebleeds on a daily basis because my body is like completely iron deficient and weak from lack of sleep.... i feel like everything i do is based on 'will this look good on my college app? will this help me with what i will freaking study in college...' college college coooooooooooollege i don't even want to go to college. not because i don't enjoy learning, because i do, but i wanna gain real knowledge from living in broken countries and unfamiliar conditions than gain worldly knowledge from textbooks and lectures, the kind of knowledge i'll probably forget in 20 years anyway. this doesn't mean i'm not ambitious, i just simply want to live with goals that for once doesn't have to do with getting ahead of others, climbing the invisible ladder to get to the top by stepping on everyone else ...
i wish i can wake up one day without forming a mental checklist in my mind right away for that day... what needs to get done, which is high priority, which is low.. the checklist is perpetual and never ending. for real... if one task is checked off a new one enters and alot of times i find myself wondering if the checklist will still be there implanted in my mind when i die and how sad would that be... because the checklist and its presence makes me feel like i'm not truly living... i'm living but i'm living within certain limits and boundaries, i'm living in accord with some stupid checklist that has taken complete control of me. k that's a scary thought D:
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Amen, Twinnifer.
ReplyDeleteI wonder what education has become really.
The purpose of the education was to inform us of what we should know and understand, not inform us with the stuff that we have to know for college...
The education itself became an irony and a paradox.
We have to suffocate major parts of our life studying because we have to live a good life.
But Twinnifer despite all this, u gotta get through it and then show ur checklist who the boss is when you go to college =].
And you also have me to be there for you always, so try to think positive even if there is nothing to be positive about! Cheer up <3
cheer up little miss :)
ReplyDeletei just so happened to stumble upon your blog and happen to read your posts.... :) no i'm not weird.
Hey emily cheer up!
ReplyDeleteYou know, education makes us ready for the 50 or so years after school? It'll help you live the best life you can so you can enjoy the life you'll have as an adult.
Take your mind off the pressure and relax a bit. Enjoy life sometimes and don't focus too much on work. Appreciate what and who you have around you and appreciate living.
Feel happy about yourself and the world. :)