these days, i've been just going with whatever happens in my life. it's a good feeling. to just relax in His presence and watch any worries or anxieties slip off my fingers. now i sleep whenever i please, and i pick up my paintbrush whenever i please. no designated schedules, no to do lists. and you know what's amazing? everything seems to fall in the right places. somehow my homework finishes itself and i don't get the usual daily nosebleeds. the less i try, the more i get done. haha, it's great. it feels like i'm living a carefree yet passionate life.

i kinda like it when my room is messy, and when my desk's all cluttered. it reflects who i am perfectly, and i remember one of my art teachers said once "when someone tells you to clean your desk, tell them it's not messy, it's an organized mess," meaning as long as i know where everything is, what's the point of cleaning? organized mess. i like that. it's much more interesting than a clean, spotless person.

a completely random post

i'm gonna write on this same topic in four years and see if anything changed :)

someone who has a brilliant and refreshing outlook on life. someone who understands the way i think, someone who looks at the world in retrospect. someone who is completely okay with my need for space and understands that i don't want to be with him 24/7. someone who sings with me during my random singing sessions, someone to tell all my aspirations, dreams, and stories to. someone who encourages me in my walk with God, someone who is intellectual and lovely. someone who loves his family, someone who will be more of a friend than a lover. someone whose convictions are as strong as mine, someone who will inspire me everyday. someone who doesn't have any expectations of me, someone who won't try to mold me into someone he wants me to be. someone who i can give to without expecting anything back in return. someone who won't try to make himself the first priority in my life. someone who doesn't throw the word "love" around and use it based only on his emotions. someone who is blunt and tells me i'm making a fool of myself when i actually am. someone who will argue with me. someone who is passionate about the causes that i am passionate about. someone who i can learn from everyday... most importantly, someone who will always love God more than he loves me.

that's my ideal significant other :) what's yours?

just another one of those end of the year reflections

mm.. i think 2009 was the best year of my life so far
it was full of pain and suffering and abuse
but in the midst of it all i was able to swallow my pride and depend on God
and there is nothing more wonderful than that

what have i accomplished in 2009?....

i met some amazing people, amazing teachers. i fell more in love with jesus. i gained a more intimate relationship with art, with my drawing pencils and hands. i learned that pride is my biggest flaw. i met and conversed with a homeless man who gave me a pack of gum. i stayed single the entire year and refused to get immersed and distracted in silly infatuations (haeyoon would laugh at this). i realized what the biggest regret of my life was. i smiled a lot, especially at strangers who looked like they had a bad day. i questioned my motives and intentions alot. i completely surprised myself by opening up and sharing something so personal at a retreat. i became amazingly close with people i never would have thought i would even get along with. i nosebled every single day for three consecutive weeks. i spent three whole weeks in baltimore studying art history. i understood, or i think i did, how lucky i am for having the most wonderful parents and brother ever. mmm.. i think the biggest would be discovering more about myself, and just starting to embrace myself for who i am, along with all my flaws and imperfections. i'm not quite there yet, but i'm learning :)

2010, what do you have in store for meee

it's the best feeling in the world to come home late from a long day and right when you walk through the door the first thing you see is a lighted christmas tree in a dark living room..

it's kind of like, you're living in darkness, battling struggles everyday, but there's always a bit of light, hope, something to look forward to and hold on to, if you tweak your perspective & attitude
because after all, you can't see stars unless it's pitch black

People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.
If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.
If you are successful, you win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.
The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.

Be honest and frank anyway.
People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.
What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.
People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.

-Mother Teresa

self respect, emily

if you don't have it,
the world will walk all over you

how can you expect people to respect and love you if you can't love yourself?
foolish girl

today, i

discovered something really cool, and i thought i should share with y'all :) i was talking with my mom and naturally i was looking at her while talking, but she was looking straight ahead, not at me. so while i was looking at her side view of her face i realized that lips are shaped as a heart if you tilt your head to the left. did anyone notice that before? to clarify what i'm talking about:



right? the lips are shaped as a heart. and being the weird analytical person i am i tried to piece together a possible underlying meaning to this. the immediate thought that i came up with was that our lips are shaped like a heart, thus symbolizing compassion and love because that is exactly the purpose they (the lips) should serve. simply put, our lips are shaped like hearts because we should use our lips to speak only loving, encouraging words. when we open our lips (hearts) to speak and communicate, only loving words should flow out. how beautiful is that? it's just so weird and fascinating how this all ties together. another example of how amazing God is, how he tucks little things like this into the most unexpected places for us to find and awe at his awesomeness. i doubt when he created the human body, this was a coincidence. and this is so relevant to our society today... when's the last time you heard someone say loving and encouraging things and actually mean it? i actually can't remember the last time someone dropped random encouraging words just for the sake of doing it, not for any self motivated reasons. so this small discovery reminded me once again of the real purpose of why we have lips/mouth.. to speak compassion and encouragement. i'm trying to avoid using the word "love" because what many people think of the word love is the secular, worldly definition of love which i think is disappointing and shallow. but anyway, i just thought this was purdy cool. 8D