hm

hmm i've never blogged online before, just journaled on paper, but this is so much more convenient! but then again, we should still preserve the old ways... sigh anyway this is a good way to let go everything that goes on in my puny mind. i shall write about today :)

so the huge choosuk parade was today in manhattan and because i was a participant of the choosuk pageant i had to be part of the parade too and let me tell you, after two hours of being up in the carriage waving my freaking hand off, my mouth was on the verge of just sabotaging itself... holy mother. no, it actually felt numb from smiling for two hours straight. nonetheless it was fun. but more importantly, when i was up there i realized... man this is what my life has been about the whole time. people put me on a pedestal and expect so much from me, and all the while i plaster a smile on my face until my face gets numb, until my face and body are decieved into believing that the smile is SUPPOSED to be there.

when you're a pageant girl, you have to smile, and keep on smiling.. and smiling. it's probably the golden rule of pageaning.. if that's a word. you have to smile no matter how you feel. it's the one thing, besides posture, that conveys (or fakes) confidence, something that is just seen first by the judges.

is it a coincidence that that this parallels so perfectly with my life? i've realized.. no actually i've known this all along but i've always dismissed it, that i've never really shown someone how i really feel in terms of anger, disappointment, dispair, etc.. i've always covered it and suppressed it with a smile and what not.

how come i always rummage through gloomy thoughts like this! the next one will be happier, i hope :) i should go do my english hw now